Hoping to feel my self esteem return


I had a date tonight. It was great to be out again.
With every hug and touching of faces I felt agonizing pain.

Tormented with the numbness and loss of sensation in my face and head. I had to end the evening early as the torment was too great.

One year is passing and with every attempt of recovery I am reminded of a surgeon that is living a full life and blaming me for my suffering.

My misery level has gone up.

***************
May 19th 2005..(One Year Since Surgery, and Life Should be Better than Ever Before!) But NO.

A simply beautiful day to be outdoors. Summer is really on its way and the winds are bringing more sunshine.

I ran up a hill to photograph a Kansas City landmark. I noticed I could not feel the wind in my face, the sweet caress of the gentle breeze in my hair.

WHAT A CRUEL MOMENT BY MOMENT BLOW to me the unsuspecting victim. I can not feel what is on my head. I can not feel the wind, a scratch, a burn, or even a bleeding wound.

What I loved most in life; the wind, the rain on my face, all the natural elements to be outdoors......Have turned to become my torment.

Sensation, feeling, touch is such a vital part of life. You can not know until it is taken from you.

I do not believe even Dr. Zahorsky knew he could and would damage nerves, and take away my safety of touch.

**************** 2006 ***************

May 19, 2006

...It is May again. I can't believe I'm posting the same time as last year.

I want to describe what it is to not have feeling. I can feel pressure and discomfort, and any touch is unpleasant.

I could burn myself and not know it. Sometimes I am looking for my glasses or hat, and all the while they were on my numb head. This infuriates me and worse it is permanent. I'm not sure my hair even grows anymore.

The muscle pain is my chest has diminished a little. Activity always brings it on more.